Maxwell's Silver Hammer
by Sieth Realder
Summary: What happens when Duo gets really po'ed? If you like Relena, don't read this fic. R&R, please!


Disclaimer: No, I do not own GW. (Dammnit!) Nor do I own the song "Maxwell's Silver Hammer". It belongs to the Beatles. (Yay Beatles!) This is the first chapter of a (hopefully only) 3-chapter story. I've spent a lot of time (well over a month, I think) on this part, and to tell the truth, I get a kick out of it. I hope ya'll will too.

Special Notes About Fonts:

"this" is normal story whatever.

"_this_" can be one of 2 things. If the text is separated from the rest of the story and is in poetry form, it's indicative of the song. If it's within a paragraph, it's a thought.

and "**_this_**" is a small change I've made to the song, in order to make it flow better with the story.

...You know what? I have _no_ idea why I'm making most of these notes. They're probably unecessary. Oh, well. Whatever.

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**Maxwell's Silver Hammer**

**by Sieth Realder**

AC 198

Relena, like the Gundam pilots, was 18, and she had changed. For one thing, she stopped the tedious work of trying to solve the bowl-movement problems of other countries and resigned as Foreign Minister. For another, she started going back to high school on a regular basis, and even managed to make friends there. She showed an unusual interest in the areas of physics and chemistry. And, tired of people her own age constantly referring to her as "Miss Relena", she told everyone to call her by her middle name: Joan.

_Joan was quizzical, studied pataphysical  
Science in the home;  
Late nights all alone with a test-tube,  
Ohh-oh-oh-oh..._

Some things didn't change, though—like a) her chosen style of clothing, which made her look like a constipated old lady with absolutely no ability to see in color, b) her unhealthy obsession with the color pink, and especially c) her unnerving habit of constantly stalking one Heero Yuy, who had been designated by the other pilots as The Most Unlucky Person On Earth And Everywhere Else. This last lettered point might have been tolerated (but only by anyone who wasn't aware of the continued existence of the Gundam pilots) if it wasn't for Duo. When your boyfriend keeps getting followed home by a rabid whining bitch in pink, it tends to grate on your nerves.

It got on the other boys' nerves, too, since the five of them happened to live together and had to deal with Heero's little…difficulties. But what was especially irritating (to Heero in particular) was that Relena—Joan—didn't seem to be able to absorb the all-important fact that Heero was gay. Quatre had invited her over for tea and tried to explain it to her; Trowa had stood in the doorway of the living room and refused to come any closer, but tried to explain it to her using a pair of Ken dolls and a single Barbie doll that he'd found in the back of his closet the week before; Wufei tried to explain it to her, got fed up, and ended up hitting her round the head with the flat of his katana, after which he had to flee the room to avoid Quatre's wrath. Heero and Duo, the one being afraid of what would happen should she catch him, and the other loathing her with all the hate of a dark slimy thing from the bottom of a two-tone well, had been absent from the house several hours before and after this little episode. In the end it didn't matter, though. Nothing changed. Relena still followed Heero home, hiding behind trees in what she thought was stealth mode and what onlookers thought was a mode of questionable sanity, and Heero still ran through the door and into Duo's arms, trying hard not to tremble in the encompassing relief that only a locked door between him and the pink fiend could bring.

At one point, Heero even got up the nerve (after several encouraging conversations with Quatre and a few tequilas) to meet her in the park, where he could run away if the situation got out of control, and tried to explain it to her himself. He did so in a calm monotone that was his normal mode of speech and, to make sure she didn't miss anything, at a speed roughly equivalent to 3 wpm. He also ended up saying it all from a position that he considered to be the only safe one: sitting in the tallest tree in the park, on the highest branch that could support his weight without snapping and sending him to the pink abyss below (and, considering his weight—or lack thereof—that was pretty damn high).

Unfortunately, it was a waste of time from the first word. The information in question went in one ear and out the other without running into anything in between. Heero was forced to give up, and came home discouraged, smelling of tree sap, and with a familiar pink figure trailing after him.

So Duo, by this time more annoyed than an enraged pygmy rhino, decided to take matters into his own hands. Nothing definitive would get done otherwise.

Duo Edison Maxwell had changed, too. He'd skipped all of high school (he didn't need it) and was well into med school, studying to be a doctor. He'd always wanted to be a doctor, ever since Solo had died of that virus. He wanted to help people to live. Then the war had come along and swept him screaming into black space, and he had to become a warrior. That was okay, though—he'd always wanted to be strong, to be a fighter, so he could protect the ones he loved. Now he could be both.

He hadn't changed too much. He was still what Quatre would delicately term a "troublemaker". Some things are too fun to give up. But he had matured, and now he did something Quatre would definitely identify as mature: he called up Relena and proceeded to explain few things in the same calm, level voice that Heero had used, but with more hints of Duo-ness.

_Maxwell**, Duo** Edison, majoring in medicine,  
Calls her on the phone_

"I'm in love with Heero, Relena."

"Call me Joan."

"Joan, right. Anyway, I'm in love with Heero, and he's in love with me."

"Okay."

"Like, _in_ love."

"Okay?"

"Like, we love each other. As _more_ than friends. As in boyfriends. As in, _Heero is gay_."

"No he's not." Duo could hear Relena's confused frown over the phone, and gritted his teeth. "I love him."

Duo took a deep breath and restrained himself from screaming. "That makes no difference, Re—Joan. Just because you love him doesn't mean he loves you."

"Why not?"

Duo was starting to get more than a little irritated. It was like talking to a two-year-old, or a wall, or a two-year-old wall. _This is gonna be a big phone bill. Maybe I should have met her somewhere or something,_ he thought, running a hand through his long bangs wearily. "Okay, never mind."

"Good."

It was the smug, 'Hello I'm a spoiled brat' way Relena said that one word that really got to Duo. It _really_ got to him. Something in his head opened like a flower to the sun.

A black rose, to be precise.

"Okay, Joan," he said, his exhaustion falling from him as he started to dance agitatedly from one foot to the other. His voice, however, remained calm as he said kindly, "Why don't we hang out at the movie theater tonight? —Just as friends," he added quickly, almost feeling her hesitate on the other end. "We'll see that new edition of Star Wars, how about that?"

She perked up immediately. "Okay!"

"Great! I'll pick you up in half an hour." And he hung up, shook his head in resignation, and walked out to the shed.

_"Can I take you out to the pictures,  
Joa-oa-oa-oan?"_

About half an hour later, Relena was decked out in her favorite pink dress, putting on her pink makeup in front of her pink-tinted and pink-framed mirror in her pink-walled hall in her pink house that contained, against the basic principles of good interior decorating, furniture entirely in shades of pink. She wasn't quite sure why she was dressing up to go somewhere with Duo, who in her mind was the transvestite, the drag queen, the rival that had stolen her Heero away from her; but a date with a good-looking feminine boy is a date with a good-looking feminine boy. It had even reached her brain that she would get some pretty jealous looks when she came through the door with a little hottie like Duo, even if he _did_ have long hair.

While these thoughts, which are definitely disturbing for the rest of us to witness coming from her, were floating aimlessly through her head to look at the pink pictures on the walls of her skull, there was a sudden knock at the door. She turned her head away from putting on lipstick to look over her shoulder at her pink front door. _Who could that be?_ she thought, then put her makeup implements down to answer it.

_But as she's getting ready to go,  
A knock comes on the door..._

It was Duo, wearing a red suit and holding his hands behind him politely.

"Hi," Relena said perkily. "I'll be ready in a minute, Duo. I like your outfit, by the way, it complements mine perfectly."

Duo blinked slowly. "Uh, yeah," he mumbled, looking from her clothing to his.

"Is that why you wore it?" she asked with a bright smile.

Duo blinked again. "No," he said carefully, as if the word might break if he dropped it.

"Oh," she said, sounding slightly disappointed. "Okay, then. I just have to put on my lipstick." She began to turn away before her eyes caught on something sparkling behind him. "What's that?"

Duo looked down and to his right. "It's a silver hammer," he said, his eyes widening.

"What did you bring that for?" Relena frowned.

"This."

Relena finally noticed the wild gleam in Duo's blue-violet eyes as they opened to the size of very small dinner plates. He grinned like a Cheshire cat and brought up the hammer in one smooth swing of the arms.

It didn't even occur to her to scream.

_Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer  
Came down upon her head  
Bang, bang, Maxwell's silver hammer  
Made sure that she was dead

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Just in case you can't tell, Duo's middle name is Edison in this particular story. (No duh, right?)

Well? Did'ja like?

For the next chappie, I'm at a bit of a crossroads as to who dies next. I'm thinking it'll be either Une or Sally (b/c I don't like either of them). Who should it be? Review and give me your vote!

Ja ne!


End file.
